But I should know by now

I have nothing to say, my mind doesn’t really grasp any concept right now…but I felt like typing our meaningless words anyway.

 Ahh, I love Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless isn’t it? Well to a point I guess. Maybe there was never a point to this…just like the past few weeks.

 

Just kidding my love. Want to have some fun? Well I do.

                                  **thats the problem**

I miss writing. songs…nothing has come lately.

 

okay thats a lie. (i’ve been lieing lately…to me)

 

My number hasn’t changed at all…but I think my mind might be a little more each day. So, idk…you may be right my friend.

 

Yes, freedom.       Grasp it.           Run with it.          Dance in it.

 

 

I’m making no sense…and I don’t care.

 Love and Peace to the highest degree.

                       Pink. Yes you should smile.

I need you so much closer…

I heard that everything can change once dawn opens the shades on a new day…and it couldn’t be a more truthful statement. I don’t know why things change as quickly as they do, but it happens…and some of those consequences are more welcomed than others.

Yeah I’m fine…but the truth is, I’m lonely.  Not completely  however…just in certain aspects. I’m missing certain loves, and those loves seem to be so far away from my grasp. And they all seem to be lost in one way or another. My heart goes out for them in so many ways, the hurt and longing for them to see Light, and just out of plain selfishness.

So I dreamt that I got drunk off whiskey last night, one of the best feelings I’ve had ever…but I swear I woke up with a hang-over… nausea, headache and all. But what can I say…

Tonight I curled up on a window sill and listened to my dear friend speak inspiring words of strength and life as I watched the sky fade from a demanding dark blue to a peaceful pastel, telling  me that the day had ended. Speaking of peace, candlelight seems to emit a peace offering as they glow in their own little worlds, reminding me that it only takes one spark of light to make the darkness shatter.

Remember that…for God has been reminding me of that quite abundantly lately. Yes lots of big words tonight…only because i feel like it.  Oh I need you so much closer…

Red, Yellow, and Blue

Red, yellow, and blue, see it through a stain glass window… now you got my view.

My head feels so screwed at times, but there you are telling me I’ll be just fine.

So now I see, just how differently your love holds true…its unconditional, never fast or fading.

Hold up for a second here, see I know your kind…and its only a matter of time untill you’re no where to be found.

 But I don’t mind if you leave, you’re just another leaf that falls off the tree, and the deads is gone…spring is comin’ around.

 So now its your turn to choose, but the glass is foggin’ up and I can’t see your view…

The unconditional…or the fast and fading.

I’m Just kidding

I love my girls. Yes we are just kidding and  today I changed my mind. Woops, sorry! But I am free to be. Yes our eyes sparkle with wild fire, but you might miss it if you talk to much.

He sang,  “There ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…” and she sang, “Let it rain…open the flood gates of heaven, let it rain”.  Quite the comeback I must say.

Children of  Light…I am, and so are you. We are the children of the universe.

“Wake up oh sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.”

I have nothing left to say. I may add more later, we’ll see.  Oh, one more thing. Red is a very free color…and it stains. Every where it goes, people remember. I love red.

Barefoot hippy dancing

Earth is one of my favorite smells. Along with rain and sunshine and snow. 

Tonight there was a round table of the world, filled with laughter and white peony tea. Which my friend, I”m convinced, is the best tea so far. Or maybe it is so good because of the joyful company that is always accompanied with it. Yes I love drinking flowers. By the way, peony flowers are one of my favorite smells too. Maybe the rain tastes good as well..idk. Yes I do know…and yes it does. Try dancing in it sometime…you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Ah yes! Dancing. Tonight I danced barefoot with stoned hippies and very good friends.  Our joy traveled through the room, turning heads and making smiles, and our peace filled the room that was otherwise less than calm. Cathedrals are brilliant places. Or maybe they are made brilliant because of the people you are with, or maybe they are brilliant because of their history and the reason why they were made. To worship our Lord and Savior…

However these places have become more a shrine for some and have lost its  purpose of giving life and hope to those in need of freedom. Freedom…Is dancing this life with Jesus, and lifting others up along the way. How much more can we live if we grab his hands and let him take the lead?

       I think He smells like the rain…and I think He loves to laugh.

Late night tea

Every morning I’ve woken up and noticed this week that I have evidence against myself. I’m guilty as charged, there is proof right in front of my face. Oh maybe thats why I’m so tired today…I remember last night.  The proof is my tea cup sitting on the table, dresser, or sink.  Not completely finished because I was too busy in the wee hours of the night speaking with someone on the phone, or wrapped up in my own little world…trying to write out the words that beg to be put on paper.  My little reminder is there every morning, tea. It  brings clarity you know…yes I’ve said it before, but just thought I’d say it again.

Deserts…

“ In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter - bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,

And because it is my heart.” – Stephen Crane

    I read in a text book once that this poem was impossible to interpret. I read in a text book once that because this piece is abstract, you cannot possibly know what the writer meant, and these kind of poems are not correct to write…ever.  Needless to say I was completely insulted by those ignorant words of criticism, because these poems are not for a light thought. These pieces make you read them over and over again, and create an imagery that a simple illustration cannot. Maybe these pieces aren’t supposed to be understood, or maybe these pieces are supposed to take on a different meaning to each person that reads it.

Human beings seem to be the only creatures on this earth who knowingly see their sin and arrogantly live with it as if its something that adds to their worth. And it is because we love ourselves. In the midst of  how we feel towards ourselves or others, whether selfconscious or not, deep down to the core,  we love ourselves. Its almost like we have to, because we know that there is Someone who created us, despite the fact that He knew our hearts would be defiled from the moment we took our first breath. In this poem, Stephen Crane describes such a person. You see, deserts are the places we find ourselves in when the rain has come and gone, and we just stay in one place…seeming to forget the idea that we should move on. Our Egypt. Dry, empty, emotionless, full of regret. We wait for more rain because that becomes our identity. We let ourselves become slaves to the negative holds on  our lives.

Contradicting what I said earlier, Human beings are born with such a compassion and understanding that its impossible to say that we were created out of nothing. And yes we are selfish too…we are both.  We have the choice of loving and living the way we were created to be, or we have the choice of going on our own way, giving in to our selfish desires, with no regard to anyone else. So this creature in his desert, this person in his egypt, his exile, is bitter.

 His heart was probably torn apart at some point in his life and his un-forgiveness has turned into bitterness. But he loves it anyway. Why? Becomes it’s his heart. It’s his identity. We all need to know who we are, and when we get desperate; the situations we become stuck in, become who we are. But that’s now how it’s supposed to be is it? Well no, that’s not how God wanted it to be, but since we like to have control over everything, we tend to forget our forgiveness and live on our own.  Is this what rebellion brings upon us as well? To reject life and do what we feel is best, no matter what the truth is, that’s our dry state.

 

So these are just a few thoughts I have on this poem that supposedly cannot be interpreted. We need to remember that life happens. Let go and Let God, live life without holding on to the negatives and after it rains, keep walking, because deserts are tough places to survive in.

 

 

This is how you stage a relationship

I still don’t get it. Why all of this happened in the time span of a weekend.

It sounds like a really bad soap opera, really. My beautiful boy was   on his death bed for 3  days, I had to watch him every moment knowing that these were my last chances to see him, and not ever wanting to remember him in such pain. But at the last possible moment, he returned to us full of life and with an attitude that does not want to give up quite yet.

Going on at the same time, life came knocking at my door, (or more literally calling me up on the phone) telling me that I get to play this fun game I call relationship staging. I’m still waiting for the director to yell “Cut!” so we can stop and start over again. But the thing is, we have started over again…and I’m just scared. You heard it in my voice last night, but there isn’t anything I can do about that. I can’t make any promises, but I will try my hardest not to drop and run, because I think this could be the start of something beautiful. However much of a mess it is right now. 

Through it all, there was a peace that never left..and its still here.